I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
