I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
