i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
people are starting to question the shark bite story
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
