We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
