Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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