Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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