I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
