Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
