Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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