You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You've changed since you got that strap on
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
