This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
