Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
