Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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