I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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