I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
