oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
