I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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