I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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