Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
