Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
