so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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