Michael Bay diarrhea
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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