you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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