I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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