The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
