I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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