My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
