Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
