Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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