i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
