great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
