so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
