I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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