in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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