I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
