get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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