Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
