How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
