Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
