dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
