It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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