Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
