I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
