I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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