when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
