I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
