If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
