I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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