Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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