I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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