idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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