i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
