I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
