Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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