I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
