Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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